"Partner, every day you play worse than the day before. Today you are playing as if it is tomorrow already."
One member of a pair was heavily criticising the other one without stopping. The 3rd person at the table took an "Extra Strong Mint" from his pocket, gave it to this person, said "Have a mint", and turned to the others "Let's keep his mouth busy."
One Wednesday club night the declarer was a painstakingly slow player, everybody had lost interest in the game. One person was looking at the ceiling while another the scenery outside the windows. Even the player himself had started to feel embarrassed and kept saying "Sorry", but with no result. One of the players at the table, to console (!) him, said: "Don't worry, it is not next Wednesday yet!."
They were looking at the results after finishing their game, to compare it with the others on the Travelling Score Sheet. "This is down one" ; "That one is down two" ; and one of them pointed another result; "Oooo, this one is the Titanic."
When the dealer still had made no bid after studying his cards for a long while, one of the opponents muttered something about "getting this duplicate moving."
"What did you say?" asked the dealer coming out of his reverie momentarily.
"I want to know what you do," said the opponent.
"Oh," responded the other. "I am in the wholesale grocery business. Why?"
The expert was playing a tough hand in a tournament. He led a card from Dummy and the innocent-looking girl on his right went into a long huddle before following suit. When declarer led the suit again the girl showed out.
Annoyed, the expert said, "What was all that hesitation about? You had a singleton."
"Yes," said Miss Innocence, smiling. "But it was tricky, wasn't it?"
A famous expert, well known for his arrogence and rudeness was partnering a Lady in a tournament. She was well known as well but only by her own bridge club and circle for her good play and politeness. As a result of his wrong play the expert went down embarrassingly. The Lady was explaining gently her idea about the line which was taken. The expert, said angrily;
"Do you know who I am?"
"No." said the Lady softly and added;
"Look, the Director is over there. Go and ask him. He might be able to tell you who you are!"
The bridge bug was in an exciting game when word was brought to him that his house was on fire.
He hurriedly finished the hand he was playing and then said, "Sorry, fellows, looks like I'll have to break up the game. Three more rubbers and I quit."
A contestant in a tournament suddenly slumped down in his chair. A doctor was hastily summoned. He took the stricken man's pulse and noted that it was steady and firm. Obviously it was no heart attack.
From the victim's white face and clammy hands the doctor surmised that this was a case of shock. A bridge player himself, he picked up the victim's cards and studied them. He then turned to the others at the table.
"Now let me have a review of the bidding," he requested.
A prominent doctor was an enthusiastic but not very good bridge player. One day his friend, a man he occasionally played bridge with, fell sick and the doctor was called in.
The patient was gloomy over his condition, and the doctor made a careful examination. Wishing to reassure him that there was nothing to worry about, he said cheerfully, "You'll be all right. Mark my words, you'll live to play many a rubber of bridge with me as your partner yet."
"Oh Lord," groaned the despondent patient. "I think I'd rather die."
Two little old ladies were playing in a tournament against two celebrated masters.
One of the ladies opened the bidding with one no trump. The master to her left was looking at a hand containing 14 points on which he considered bidding. He turned to the opening bidder's partner and asked, "What kind of no trumps do you play?"
"Strong," she answered, "around 20 points."
Whereupon the master hastily passed and so did the opening bidder's partner. The Dummy laid down 2 queens and a jack and the expert silently congratulated himself for not having stuck his neck out.
But the defence started to take trick after trick and eventually accumulated 9 of them beating the contract 3, un-doubled. Game, it developed, was cold in the masters' hand.
expert with the 14 point hand turned to the dummy and said in an aggrieved tone, "Didn't you say you played a strong no trump?"
"I do," answered the little old lady. "But my partner plays a weak no trump, about 12 points."
Two Life Masters playing as partners got into a vehement argument after a certain deal. The dispute waxed hotter and hotter until one of the masters raised a hand and said, "Wait. We'll put it up to our opponents and let them decide who's right."
"That's silly," answered the other. "Anyone can see they don't know the first thing about bridge."
"And anybody can see that we're sloppy too," answered one of the opponents. Whereupon he picked up an ash tray and dumped its contents all over the contemptuous one's head.
Teacher called on six-year-old Johnny, the bridge player's son, to count for the class.
"One, two, three," began Johnny,
"four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten-uh, jack, queen, king, ace"
They were at a concert. Said she, a bridge addict, "What's that book the conductor keeps looking at?"
"That's the score," answered her escort.
"Oh. Who's vulnerable?"
A judge in Honolulu ruled that bridge 5 nights a week is ground for divorce. Mrs.X testified that when her husband, Mr.X, was not playing "he talked nothing but bridge."
The judge granted the divorce on grounds of cruel treatment.